I have some rare time to myself this evening. My daughter is asleep, my husband is in bed earlier than usual, fighting off a stomach bug. Dishes are done, the laundry isn’t…but I’m putting my desire to write before housework tonight. I don’t allow myself much time to write anymore and it’s something I love to do. I’ve realized it’s also a tool that helps me through emotional times. It’s been a tough, emotional weekend due to recent news at work. The sadness I’m feeling due to that is triggering some memories from four years ago and I’m hoping that writing about it will help me move on.
Most days, four years ago feels like an eternity ago. Compared to where we were back then, few things remain the same. We now live in a new city (my hometown), we both have new jobs, we bought a new house, as well as a new car. Our 2.5-year-old daughter is the light of our lives and we couldn’t be more proud of the spunky, sweet little person she is becoming. We’re excited to welcome our second daughter into our family the first week of July. Our marriage isn’t perfection but it’s strong. We feel like a united team and have made an incredible amount of progress from the state we were in this time four years ago.
But once January hits, there are days that thoughts and memories of the affair creep their way into the contentment and peace of our lives today. The thing that I hate about this time of year are the holidays and annual traditions or events that have memories of the affair tied to them. As St. Patrick’s day approached, I couldn’t help but realize that March 15th was the day Max and Tori first slept together. It was the day before we all attended a St. Patrick’s day party with a bunch of Max’s coworkers; where they snuck out to kiss in the parking lot. March Madness is in full swing and I’m reminded of the afternoon that Max and Tori went to watch basketball and Max came home two hours later than I thought he would. Turns out they were having sex then, too. I hate that my brain hangs on to every little detail and twist of emotion that I experienced in those days. They are like highlighted portions of my life, jumping off the page in fluorescent yellow. I’m hoping that as years pass the colors will fade. I don’t want to forget any of the lessons learned from that time of my life, but I would love to forget the gory details. It’s truly hard to believe that my husband is the same man who did all of that to me back then, and I think that’s why it cans still hit me so hard some days. Like it can shock me all over again.
I’ll be relieved when April 6th has come and gone again and the affair will haunt me less and less. It can return to being a dark, but important memory that has scarred me but taught me things I didn’t know I needed to learn. I am so grateful for the joy that now fills the majority of my days and I look forward to the new joy that our soon-to-be little one will add to our family. I will do my best to focus on that joy in the next two and a half weeks and find a way to celebrate just how far we have come on April 6, 2017.